I haven’t used Tumblr in about two years or so, and I haven’t used it as a monoblog in probably four years. Right now I need to write down some things, with no particular audience, but just to make myself happier knowing that I’ve thrown something out.
Life sucks, man. But for every-single-thing that goes wrong I seem to be getting a plus one alongside it. My Mother just got diagnosed with cancer, and that’s so crappy I can’t even begin to describe it. Imagine being told, while you’re half way across the world, that the next time you see your maa it will be on to look after her while she has chemotherapy; but only for a week because you’ve got to go back to China and do three months of intense classes in 42 degree weather and no aircon. Dude, that’s beyond shitty. But then imagine being told not quite a week later that your Uncle also has cancer; He’s going to be going through the same, but you probably won’t get to see him, and so on a fleeting visit you paid while home a few months ago you actually said goodbye in person. I hate cancer. I’ve always just thrown money at it by doing charity runs and stuff like that, but when it directly hits you, you really understand why people fight to cure and prevent it. I mean, this is enough to really throw people off the edge, and if I wasn’t making active efforts with myself at the moment, I think I’d be having a breakdown.
Recently I got myself in a real twist over my past decisions, actions and basically up to the point where I was a bit scared of what I was doing and would do to myself if I didn’t get some help. I have an amazing bunch of friends who really helped me through that and continue to support me, as they always have done, through thick and thin. I don’t have an amazing attachment with my family, and they’re not a massive part of my everyday life (though obviously that’s something that at the moment couldn’t be further from the truth), and so these are the people I turn to when I’m down. I can’t repay them enough for everything they’ve done, but I know they did it selflessly and because I needed the crutch. Thank you.
I’ve never really been that guy who admits fault, or opens up enough for people to really glance at on a deep level. In fact, It turns out that I’d pretty much blocked myself out of my own head, too. I have so many underlying faults that I’ve let linger for years. Some are just common flaws, but some really break me as a person, and make me feel subhuman at times. While I’m dealing with a broken family I’m also trying to deal with my own demons, and I can’t tell you how good it feels to be absolving myself of the guilt and self loathing i’ve carried for years. It’s only been a month, but I’m getting back to the person I’ve wanted to be for years. I know how much I despise people who cry for attention online, and try the sympathy vote etc. (Which is just as well, because I don’t think anyone will even read this in all honesty), so I’ll not bore you with any details.
I guess recently the things that have been keeping me afloat are the little things around me. I go to the gym three times a week, and I’ve lost so much weight in the last few months, and gained muscle too. That alone is such a great feeling. I work with some amazing people and have some great friends from all around the world here in China, which is always important. I also have had the opportunity to do some inspiring things, like help build a school in a poverty stricken part of the country. I’ve started to appreciate the experience I’m having so much more and have embraced the ‘yes’ philosophy that I couldn’t really do before, for various reasons. This has lead me to some awesome places in the last few weeks. I’ve been to a bamboo forest, climbed three mountains in four weeks, and met someone who in a short time has given me new eyes to the experience I’m enduring. It may sound odd, but after ten months I feel like I’m now actually seeing China for what it really is, and it’s so refreshing. I feel like I really needed this and it came at the perfect time.
I mean, I can’t say I’m in my best place now. All things considered I feel like I could lay down and admit defeat and I’d have every right to, because things are tough for me currently. But at the same time, I’m appreciating the highs that are coming alongside the lows. The tiny victories and moments I’m getting to have for the first time (or perhaps just the first time in a long time) are giving me a sense of vitality. Even just writing this has made me feel so much more positive (side note: I feel bad knowing that by all appearances it was written by a fucking five year old; but hey, I got a 2:2 from the University of Greenwich). Perhaps I’ll keep this up if I feel it will help, but maybe I just needed to reaffirm a few things to myself by putting it on pixel. Either way, it’s been a good ‘en.
Like I say I doubt anyone will read this, but If you have and you want to talk to me, that would be lovely. If you don’t, at least you know what’s kind of going on with me, and I will always take comfort in that.